Horrible Day

Today has been a really horrible day. I woke up in so much pain I could hardly stand. While taking a shower I was washing as fast as I could the whole time I was crying from the pain. Poor Pete had to help me out of the shower because I was bawling and afraid I was going to fall I was hurting so bad. So, of course, this pain sent me into a really depressed state today. I've just been sitting here trying to work on homework, but not able to concentrate. So I thought I would pull out my Tarot cards and do some studying. I read that if you want to know where you are on your spiritual journey to shuffle the major arcana and pull 3 cards and then pull 1 to see what my current struggle is.
My first 3 were: Temperance, The World, and The Hanged Man. My current struggle was: Death


So I see that at this point in my journey the Hanged Man is telling me I'm searching for spiritual enlightenment and psychic revelation, but I have to use Temperance for this journey. Be patient and learn to put the search in perspective. I'm not really sure what The World is telling me because I certainly have not found enlightenment yet, but maybe I have achieved an understanding of something I'm just not seeing at this moment. Now my current struggle is shown to me through th Death card. The way I understand this card is that I can't start new things unless I let things of the past die. I think this is very relevant for my current struggle both spiritually and physically. Spiritually I have things that always seem to haunt me. They are certainly coming around less and less, but they are still there. Physically you all know that I have struggled with my weight my entire life, but what I'm struggling with now is not being able to move forward because all of my past failures are haunting me. I sabotage myself before I even start a healthy way of living because the thought that I will just fail again is always on my mind. So, I'm gonna have to let those past failures go in order to move forward.
I love the tarot now. It still seems so daunting and scary, but our classes are really helping break it down in small bits.
So, I would love ya'lls input on this reading. What do you see? :)

Frustrated

I am having such a difficult time reachig my higher self. I meditate day after day and I am doing better at dropping, but I am still brought back to reality at every little noise. I wonder if I'm trying too hard. I remember a movie that was actually instrumental to me at the start of my path. Eat, Pray, Love with Julia Roberts didn't do so well in the box office, but I really enjoyed it. I remember she's sitting in the perfect place to meditate, but she just cannot drop. She's distracted by everything around her. No matter what she does she cannot succesfully meditate. One of her friends that she met on her travels told her that she's trying to hard she just needs to let it happen, but how does one do that?
My main goal is to reach my higher self, but I have several other goals. One major goal I have is to develop my psychic abilities. I want to reach my spirit guide/s, and talk to our ancestors. I want to be able to read someones aura, be accurate with my tarot readings, and see past the veil. This is all so frustrating.
Pete does not believe that the spirits contact us he calls it bull shit. Last night we were watching a movie Talking to Heaven about James Van Praagh, and Pete, of course, was saying what bull shit it is. At one point he said loudly, "Are you listening mom!" At that instant I became overwhelmed with what was like someone yelling yes in my head, which his mom was definitely a yeller. :) I could tell that this was not coming from me because of how I felt, but I, of course, question myself. You know I must be imagining things, it can't really be, it was just me responding in my head. I told Pete, and he said I was crazy. Am I? I don't know. All I know is I want to see past the veil, and be able to talk to our ancestors. The problem is I feel like I'm working and working, but getting through the veil is eluding me. I feel like I'm under a frozen lake, and I'm trying to find a hole in the ice. I'm searching and searching, and working so hard but I just can't get through the thick ice.
I will never give up. I will continue to search and work, but it's very frustrating to want something so badly and it's so elusive. My next steps are to get some herbs to blend my own incense to help develop my psychic connection, and to eat more of a raw diet so my body is more in tune. I certainly don't expect to be like James Van Praagh or anything, but I would like to connect to my spirit guide and ancestors to help guide me and maybe even help my family and friends. So, off I go to continue my search. :):)

What Sense of Humor do You Have?

So last night Pete and I settled in to watch a movie, and he picked Robin Hood: Men in Tights because he had never seen it. The entire movie I was laughing so hard, and I don't think that Pete even cracked a smile. He kept asking me, "What is so funny?!" I can't tell you why I just find that movie so stupid that it's hilarious. I think because they are basically making fun of themselves and other movies. It's the same way for the new movie Your Higness it is incredibly stupid but so funny.
Now Pete is an Abbott and Costello fan, and he laughs and laughs while I, well truthfully try to find something else to do lol. I just don't get it it's just not funny to me. Kind of like the Three Stooges I really don't get how that's funny. Woo Larry poked curly in the eye I think I'm gonna bust a gut. I just don't get it. lol
Now we have the kind of comedy that is so stupid it just makes you shake your head, but you can't quit watching it. For example, my brother and his friends love the movie Eric the Viking. I would definitely prefer this to the Three Stooges, but it's not so stupid it's funny it's just stupid lol. Or a movie I saw a long time ago called The Stupids it was just that stupid lol.
So, what kind of sense of humor do you have?

Learning Tarot

So for two weeks now my fiance and I have begun learning about tarot. My fiance, Pete, is such an amazing man. He is a very protestant minded person, but he has never told me that I could not pursue my path. Recently though he has taken this step forward to learn tarot. He states that he wants to see in the world what I see. For instance, when we drive up to the mountains I'm always focusing on Spirit around me. I look at the leaves on the trees just waving in the breeze, and I'm always overcome with peace and wonder. Poor Pete is so cute because he always says to me, "What in the heck are you talking about they're just trees!" :):) Awe isn't he cute!! So it's absolutely amazing that Goddess has bless me with a partner that is so willing to work to understand what I see. At Tarot Night he is asking questions, and really paying attention to what is being taught. He even said on the way home that he is starting to see in the cards what everyone else is seeing. So, he is beginning to open his third eye a bit, and beginning to understand that the universe is so much more complex than he has previously understood.
Although we have many things that we don't agree on, and many separate interests I know that we have been blessed with each other for a reason.
As for tarot I'm working on it baby there is just so much to learn! I am not stressing over learning any longer though. I read this amazing book by Philip Gardiner about how the Bible was meant to be read symbolically rather than literally. Because of my upbringing I had never really thought of this possibility. Any who :) he talked about how the Ark of the Covenant was not a real ark that it was symbolic for finding God in one's self. It was, of course, much more complicated than this having to do with the Knight's Templar and Freemasons, but what I took from the book was that enlightenment is inside each of us. Our path to enlightenment is long and hard and may not even be achieved in one lifetime, but the key is to continue learning and growing and never give up the search. So, it may take me the rest of this life, but I will find the enlightenment that I seek. I am so excited that Goddess has blessed me with absolutely amazing people to teach me and share with me along this journey.

Drama, Drama, Drama

Anyone else that can't stand drama raise your hand! I am usually a very laid back person. I try my best to stay out of drama, but I have been accused of being someone's pet and I will not stay silent any longer. I am my own boss. I control the words that come out of my mouth, and every action that I take. I have chosen a side in a situation because I know in my heart it is the right side. Whenever you have a group of people there will be drama, but you expect everyone to be an adult. These people were given every opportunity to stand up and express their feelings. They were even given the option of leaving the group quietly if they didn't like the direction it was going. Instead they chose to act like children, and go behind people's backs and create dissemination in the group.
First off if they all would've taken the time to really get to know the wonderful heart of the person they are accusing of being a dictator none of this would've happened. Instead they had there own agenda of wanting some sort of control to feed there ego. I may be new to the craft, but I'll tell you one thing every "group" that I read about has a leader whom they trust explicitly will always do what is in his/her best interest and they decided to betray that leader. Unfortunately, seeing that they all have betrayed the trust of two groups in a short amount of time it is clear that the issue is not with their leaders but with themselves. They will never find a home unless they check their ego at the door and realize that the person leading them has been practicing much longer than they have. They have absolutely no clue what the concept of "for the greater good" means because if they had they would've backed out quietly when they had conflict that could not be resolved rather than trying to gather troops around them that would feed their ego.
For three years now I have been on the search for enlightenment. It comes to all of us in different ways, but I do know that much of ourselves must be tried in the fire in order to gain enlightenment. I know that I am a long way from my goal. I have a lifetime of searching and purging to do, but I can truthfully say they have taught me to be more careful who I give my trust to because some people will shit all over it.
They have been sending false accusations and negative energy to three others, and when those three wouldn't cave the other group thought they would try to get to me. This will absolutely be the last thing I say to about this subject. They now know where I stand and my thoughts about the situation. My loyalty lies with the two people who have done absolutely nothing but open their home and treat us with love and respect. The fault for this drama lies with those who betray not with the loyal so please place credit where credit is due. It takes a lot to get me to this point, and they all have pushed it to that.
Now for a personal message, if you cannot approach me without accusing me or someone I love and trust of something you know nothing about then please do not approach me at all.
It is very sad that things have turned out this way, but please remember you are the ones who betrayed me not the other way around. I have been nothing but faithful since day one. This is your fault not mine, and certainly not the amazing person you are trying to blame. You all have said some pretty hateful things, and I will not allow you to continue to spread false accusations without standing up for the truth. So, in closing all actions were my own including this one. Good or bad, (shrug) who knows, but I sure feel a hell of a lot better. :):)